One Last Thing

It's been a very long time since I've even looked at this blog.
I have one last thing to say.....

My life has been selfishly lived and I'm sick of it
I love someone with an intense capacity and I didn't even know it was possible
I've spent many nights alone with nothing but the words of strangers and their melodies to comfort me
I would wish the break that I felt in my soul on no one
Moving has made me mature faster then I wanted and I don't regret it
I only wish that someone could have led me through this
The life around me that I grew comfortable in has changed with a raging speed and it scares me every time I think of the way it left me on the ground with no air
I'm often scared with nothing but the words of my love that I'll be rescued one day
So many times I want to lay down and give up, just let my heart fade away
It seems the girl I used to be is gone and I can't even tell people why she left
Now I will move into the body of the woman I was supposed to be years from now and wait with loneliness even when its impossible

I WILL wait for the day when my broken love comes to me and pulls me to my home
When he tells me its time to live again, together............

Until this time and even after, my promise is that with every sane corner of my mind, I will live to help the ones around so they don't have to go through their changes alone with fear.

The Process

If any of you who are out of high school can think back on those days, do you remember what it was like to find a boy who is everything you want in a guy and then you realize, he doesn't like you?
There is this girl, she thought this guy was so funny. He always made her laugh and she could never stay angry at him. He was a christian and shared so many of her own views. This girl dreamed of what it would be like if maybe one day, he asked her out.
Maybe somehow, he thought of her just as much as she thought of him. Maybe, he thought she was beautiful. Then one day, while the two were talking, he mentioned another girl. She was pretty and he liked her. Her heart sank when the words twirled around her head. Suddenly, there was a very clear truth right in front of her face. He didn't think about her all the time. He didn't think she was beautiful. Now, she was just left to began a process which seems horridly impossible. A process she didn't really want to go through. The process of getting over him. How is that even possible?
Who could replace him?

This girl,
her name is Ava.

I know

Look guys, I know I'm boring. I know.
If you read my blog, I'm guessing you really care about me or you're bored too. Either way thank you :]
I don't know how much I'll be posting over the next month seeing that I'm leaving to Texas on Saturday!!!
Now, I understand that I'm not famous or whatever makes people read others blogs, this is just something that makes me feel like my voice is being heard. I hope one day, I'll be able to put up something extremely interesting on here, but till then, thanks for sticking with me. I love you!

Looming

It has been a while since I posted, if those who read are still reading, thanks. Last week Chris and I decided to fast. No t.v. shows, talking to each other, chating sites and bad music. I have to say, it was awesome. I learned so much and it was the best. I strongle recomend fasting, people might think its boring, but that is the opposite.

Next, I have to tell you how excited I am that school is OVER for me! Now, I love my friends and love seeing them, but geez, how perverted teenager can be! It kills me to hear the things that I hear. I really honestly feel bad about not being enough of a witness to them. I feel like I've done nothing to show how great Jesus is. Even with this, I am very glad that its the summer and next week I get to see my madre and sisters!

This visit is highly anticipated. When I moved here I didn't realize how much you can miss someone. I have needed my moms increadlibly tight hugs so much lately and my sisters to talk to. Even with the awesome girls here that I consider sister-like, the sad truth is that they aren't. Nothing can replace my family.

Oh, and one more thing... my new twenty something year old friends got married on saturday! It was beautiful and I loved seeing God bring two great people together. CONGRATS TO JEN AND JONATHAN BLAIR!

Thank You!

Thanks you guys, who think I'm too hard on myself. I know I am, but if I wasn't then who would be?
I also wanted to say thank you to my sweet best friend, Chris. He has been there for me to talk to for the last 8 months and its been great. God has given me a blessing in him. He is the FIRST guy who I have been comfortable and no matter where this relationship goes, the days I spend with you will be so close to my heart. You're so sweet. I wish others could see it!
Not only him, but I have some sweet friends:
Baily, you are so sweet and I want you to know how beautiful you are. If people don't see that well then they're lame. You always make me feel increadibly loved.
Abbi, you are so nice and have a kind heart. It's very refreshing in this mad school.
Dani, you're one who IS hard on me, but also funny and cheer me up with your bluntness. I'm glad I have you to talk to!
Sam, We have had our issues and I know I depend on you A LOT! But you're such a funny and sweet friend. I'm glad I have someone to talk to about anything.
Courtney, you are insane! and I love you. I love the times that we've spend laughing super hard. You're too cool for school. :]

To my two sweet uncles, I love you both like brothers and you are always in my heart. You both hold little pieces of my dad and thats something very special to me. I'm so glad I have you two around.
My mom and sisters, I love you so much. I could never say how much I miss you and how sorry I am that I hurt you when I left. I will never be able to get this time back and that will hurt me for the rest of my life. I love you. So so much.

I'm sorry if I didn't mention someone, I have so many sweet friends. I love you all.

My last and most important is my sweet sweet Lord. No person could replace his love and the joy he brings. Thank you so much.

Undeserving

I need to suck it up and remember what I have.
God, why am I so envious, and selfish and so just completely retarded?
I'm sorry for how I am. I'm saying that to everyone.
I'm sorry.